Conflicts are normal

From causes /solutions to win-win situations

by Jan Durk Tuinier and Geu Visser

We are all familiar to conflicts. Everyday we encounter situations when there is a conflict of some sort. In itself this need not be negative. Conflicts are part of life, they are part of education. Children and adolescents want to grow up and at that, have to test their limits. For instance, who would not be happy to see that sad little kid from the group, that is getting bullied by everyone, sticking up for herself for once? The fact that the child enters into the conflict is positive, isn’t it? Conflicts are clashes and clashes are needed. They can open up unrest. Changes in society are often consequence to conflict: abolishment of slavery, women’s liberation, squatters. Yet, we do not appreciate the conflict. We rather avoid it. Many conflicts can not be solved. At least, not like you dissolve sugar into your tea and it then vanishes. There are conflicts that cannot be vanished. Some keep coming back. You have to deal with them, for instance, by compromise. A conflict is a contradiction. One likes to watch football the other prefers a soap story. there is nothing wrong with that. Yet there is a conflict. A clash of interests and values is not negative in itself. The conflict only turns out negatively, if power is used to get one’s own way. The strongest or smartest wins. The other is the one who suffers.

Types of conflicts

There are roughly three types of conflicts: conflict of interest, conflict of power and conflict of values.

Conflict of interest

The most common conflict is the conflict of interest. You want something that clashes with the interest of the other. Children want to play with marbles on the square where other children are playing football, you don’t want to go to a meeting on your football-evening, you don’t want a newly developed apartment building at the back of your house.

Conflict of power

When a conflict of interest is brought to a head, the question rises who is the boss. The children provoke you because you give them too much home-work. The manager forces you to be present at the staff-meeting and is threatening with sanctions. Squatters resist to see who is the strongest. A journalist wants to get back at a councillor because he thinks that the man is undemocratic.

Conflict of values

The third type of conflict is the conflict of values. This deals with taste and ethics. Rachna says to Esther: `I do not like your drawing'.

Another example is that squatters resist themselves because of the principle that the problem of unoccupied houses is rejectable.We can also think about a group of local residents that resists against cutting down a monumental tree.

Not seldom these types of conflict are intermingled with each other. Then interests, as well as power, and values play a role. So can the journalist be both an interesting party and a preserver of nature. But for the integrity of the analysis, it is good to look for the nature of the conflict because every part calls for a different solution.

Means of power

As we said earlier, a conflict is not negative in itself, but the way it turns out is often negative when power is at issue. The one that has the power can rule the conflict and can determine the outcome. Then again, power is not always negative. The educator, the church, parliament, the judge, liberation movements, the United Nations all have got power. It all depends on how they are dealing with power, whether they abuse it or not, and whether people are victims because of it.

There are different ways of using power. Roughly, there are four means of power: force, possession, know-how, authority.

Force

Force includes both physical strength and verbal violence. Many people, many countries but also children try to get their way by means of aggression. ‘I’ll beat you up if I don’t get that ball’. This means of power is based on strength. People who beat children also use this means of power. Countries arm to become the winner in conflict situations. Threatening with force is very effective too.

Possession

Who is rich, has power. This applies to young and old. Young people with money or children with marbles are capable of bribing others. You can here adults say: ‘If you’re good you’ll get something nice later on.’ Rich countries are dominating in the world and determine the prices of raw materials from developing countries.

Know-how

Who isn’t strong has to be smart. This Dutch saying indicates that if you don’t have the means of power force, you have to make use of the means of power know-how. In itself, know-how is a positive means of power. You can use it to get out of a conflict in a creative way, for instance by compromise. However, know-how can be misused, certainly when there is lying and cheating involved. Smart children can have power over other children by binding other children to them, to exclude them or play them off against one another.

Authority

The last means of power is authority. The teacher, the school board, derive their power from authority. It is important that this power is acquired democratically and that control is possible. In many cases, authority will be used positively, but sometimes children confront us with our own behaviour when they are ‘bossing others around’. By copying us the children have learnt how it is done. Of course parents do often use and misuse their authority. ‘We shall see who is the boss around here’.

Ending of conflicts

A conflict can end in different ways. You see often that a conflict ends by itself and that both parties stay angry for a while, but that soon everything is forgotten. As a group leader who wants to intervene, you sometimes look into surprised eyes who seem to say:’ what are you interfering?' If you re not careful the parties will turn against you.

Another way for adults to intervene is: distraction. Then too, the conflict disappears, but it can be very annoying when this happens a lot. An educator who constantly talks around things doesn’t take the children seriously. Then the children will never learn to cope with conflicts. The adults doesn’t give them the opportunity to practice. A headmaster who claims not to have the time and postpones difficult decisions will get troubles sooner or later.

There are also rows that are dealt with unsatisfactory because one of the parties is stronger, has more power. Then the conflict has ended one-sided. Then there is no lasting peace. Chances are great that the conflict starts again. The best deal for a conflict is a compromise. it’s a question of giving and taking. Chances that a conflict turns up again after having reached a compromise, are small. There is a lasting solution that is acquired in a peaceful way.

Learn coping

Three aspects are involved when we want to teach children to cope with conflicts: to know, to be able to and to want. In other words: knowledge and insight, skills and attitude.

To know

Children will have to know what conflicts are and they have to gain insight into conflict situations. No doubt you will regularly do attempts to settle rows. But you also know that when two children are sent inside with red heads this does not always turn out effectively because children are not able to look at conflicts objectively. It may be wiser not to link lessons or a visit to the Smashing Express to the row of that day. The children will soon think that you do this to change their behaviour. The children may develop an aversion to it and start to resist. Once children called: ‘Oh, no not again about rowing’. Some distance is required for a more objective observation and ability to place themselves into someone else’s position.

A practical possibility is to have the children make a cartoon. In this way they are virtually analysing the conflict. Also playing roles can clarify things. For instance when children play the role of children who are having a row, and then change roles. In this way they can look at the conflict through the eyes of the other.

To be able to

Next, we teach the children which means of power there are to get your way. Only when the children know what conflicts are about can we demand that they know how to cope with them: skills.

The educator can offer them in stages to the children. Children should be able to keep with the rules (of the game) and are capable of compromising. Just like adults go to court, the children should know that they can go to adults when they cannot deal with the problems themselves.

To want

To know and to be able to aren’t enough. You can know just as well what a conflict is about, besides you can chose to hit or not to hit, you also have to want to deal with it peacefully: attitude. What is the use when children can mention the features of a conflict and can tell you which ways there are to solve them if, in daily life, they use violence time and again to get their own way? The attitude of children is formed by adults for an important part. It’s all about setting the example by adults, in the way they live. This happens every minute of the day. For the school and the club this means that the educational climate; the ways of punishment and rewarding, the extent of competition, the values and standards of the educator, but first and foremost; the way in which he uses power is of greater importance than any project.

Utrecht September 2001